There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
There are leaves in my underwear?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
