apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My pussy is not your playground.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
