i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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