An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
