it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
