so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
