I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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