so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
