Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize