I'm so fucking centered right now
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
