how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
