i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
