Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize