the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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