Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
