I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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