I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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