So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
