Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
