i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
