I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
