u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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