Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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