I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
