Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
