SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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