Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
