i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
