I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
