shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
