Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
