I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
