the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
