NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
