my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
