Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize