i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
