Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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