you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she peed on how many people?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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