as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
