You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
