just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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