I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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