he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
This house was built for laser tag.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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