I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
