I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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