She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
