Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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