connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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