All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Someone came in the potted fern
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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