I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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