I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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