There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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