Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
