I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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