I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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