You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
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