Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
