sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize