Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
