the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize