I'm laying in your front yard are you home
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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