OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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